Vienna (And a Whole Lot More) Waits for You

Six weeks ago, I had a job, an apartment, and a girlfriend. As I type this, I'm on a plane to Taiwan and none of those things are true.

That line got a few laughs at my 5-year college reunion this weekend, so of course I said it over and over and over and over again. Sorry to any of my friends who are reading this and had to hear me say it multiple times, but I've done enough stand-up to know that when you find a punchline that works, you stick with it. Even if it's immediately followed by "awww I'm sorry". Look, a laugh is a laugh.

Everybody at the reunion had their own version of the answer to the question "what are you up to these days?" and I'm not going to lie, it felt amazing to be able to say "I just quit my job actually!", rattle off a list of the dozen-or-so countries that I'll be visiting in the next six months, wait for the inevitable "and what about when you get back?", say "I'm going to open up a bar!", and feel an absolutely disgusting amount of serotonin flood my system when they would say "What!? Really!? That's so cool!"

Basically, I was the King of the Reunion™️ and there were lines down the block just for the opportunity to be in my presence and kiss my feet. I DEFINITELY didn't spend 20 minutes at the Masquerade Ball talking about a documentary about porridge that I haven't actually watched. I DEFINITELY didn't entirely forget that this porridge conversation had happened after being the fifth person to arrive at the dance and hitting the open bar a bit harder than advisable. I DEFINITELY didn't insist that my friend hold my legs up so we could do the "wheelbarrow dance" (is that even a real thing???) and put my bare hands on the floor of Toad's Place, a floor so disgusting most people don't even like stepping on it with shoes on. I DEFINITELY didn't—ok ok ok you get the point. And the point is that I am insanely, ridiculously, unfathomably cool.

A reunion brings up a lot of nostalgia and brings about a lot of reflection. You see these people you haven't seen in ages, and you see how they've changed, and you ask yourself how you've changed too. What parts of yourself have you grown into? And what parts of yourself have you left behind? I was forced to confront this in the most humiliating way possible when a friend whipped out the following photo of myself from 2017, which quite literally caused gasps among the crowd of friends who hadn't seen it.

I cannot believe that, of my own free will, I am choosing to use this as one of the very first photos on the very first post of my own blog. There is a high probability that someone that I would like to kiss on the mouth is going to read this at some point. And I am choosing to show them... This.

Shudders.

But it also fits in with what I wanted to talk about in this post. Side note—if you just wanted to read a travel blog about "oh well today I went to x and I did y and I felt z"... Sorry! That's not this one! Because I literally haven't been to x or done y or felt z yet! Unless x="airport", y="got on a plane", and z="exhausted and hungover". And also, c'mon, you know me better than that. It's gonna get weird and personal and I'll probably regret putting it out into the world someday. That's kinda what I do.

Look, obviously I've changed a lot since this photo was taken in 2017. Back then, I couldn't go more than ten seconds without talking about the gap year I'd just taken. Now, I can't go more than ten seconds without talking about the trip I'm about to take. Back then, I would wear bright purple sweaters that didn’t fit me over bright white t-shirts that didn’t fit me because I'd just grab random things out of my closet to wear each morning. Now, I wear bright jackets that don't fit me over bright white t-shirts that don't fit me because I spent the last three years living in Brooklyn. Back then, I would take the most ugly hideous photo of myself possible just to try and get a smile or laugh from a friend. Now...

Ok. Yeah. That's still the same.

In 2017, if you'd have asked me what I would be doing by the time our 5-year reunion rolled around, I would have told you that obviously I would be writing for Saturday Night Live, living in NYC, and happily married to Jennifer Lawrence. If you'll recall, I am currently unemployed, living in hostels, and single. But as I think about the last nine years—all the people I've known, all the experiences I've had, all the things I've learned—it's both terrifying and comforting to know that when I picture the next nine years of my life, I'll likely be just as wrong about where I'm headed as I was back then. And that even if I sort-of kind-of know where the next year is going to take me, I have no idea how it's going to change me, how it'll help turn me into the person I'm supposed to be.

I won't lie, the last few months of my life have been a rollercoaster. I've been a mess (positive, fun). I've been a mess (negative, sad). There have been a lot of big feelings, a lot of goodbyes, a lot of changes. But I'm feeling really good.

I feel so lucky. The fact that I get to spend the next six months seeing the world without any obligations is a level of freedom and privilege that truly boggles the mind. I cannot believe that this is my life right now, and I am so grateful to all of the people who are supporting me, and beyond that, who are excited for me. Even if they're absolutely green with jealous rage right now—which many of them have informed me is the case.

I feel so happy. After five years of talking about how I wanted to take a big trip, I'm really doing it. And after five years of sighing through work that never felt like anything more than a job, I'm taking on something that I think will fulfill me, challenge me, and excite me. Don't get me wrong, I'm also scared as hell. I'm spending six months not entirely sure of what I'm going to be doing or who I'm going to be with or even where I'm going to be sleeping, followed by entering into a notoriously unpredictable and difficult industry. Thankfully, I'm not an anxious person. If you don't know me that well, let me assure you that that was the funniest sentence I've written in this entire blog post. And so I'm really proud of myself for doing something big and scary and different, for making a change, for moving in a direction I want to go.

More than everything, though, I feel so loved. Last week, I rented out my favorite bar's karaoke room and threw myself a going away party. I took photos with my new "digital disposable" camera—a device that is brave enough to ask "what if you brought all of the most annoying parts of film photography into the digital age”.

My friends bought me drink after drink, cheered for me as I screamed "All Too Well"—a song that is not even close to being in my range—and dedicated their songs to me. They turned "Just the Way You Are" into "Just the Way Jamie Is". They turned "What a Wonderful World" into "What a Wonderful Guy". And they didn't change the words to "Vienna" at all, but I think that's just because they didn't need to.

So as I sit on this plane, with no job, no apartment, no girlfriend, I'm ready. I'm ready to change, I'm ready to grow, and I'm ready to take on the next six months and the next six months after that, and so on, et cetera. And if you care enough about me that you've read this post all the way to the end, then it means that you're a reason that I'm ready. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And maybe Vienna waits for you, too.